A Case of the Valen-Don’ts…

4 Valentine's Day DON'TS...Valen-Don'ts, if you will.

First of all, let me just say that this was not the original title for this article. I went through a few revisions while trying to find the balance between telling you guys my usual humorous truth and libel/slander giving you an illustrated scolding.

Some rejected titles:

  • “Tis The Season To Get Caught Cheating…Fa La La La Laaaa, La La La Laaaa”
  • “I Wonder What Cassie And Other Sidechicks Do On Valentine’s and New Years?”
  • “Valentine’s Day & Bitter Bitches: A Field Guide”

No…none of those made it past my lawyer were truly my style. Instead, I want to show you how to avoid some potentially devastating mistakes people make over what is truly a simple thing: a day to celebrate love. So, with examples and references, here are 4 Valentine’s Day DON’TS…Valen-Don’ts, if you will.

4. If your heart isn’t in the gesture, just don’t make it.
In general, that’s good life advice for everyone. But on Valentine’s Day, doing one thing when you feel another is just cruelly misleading. Now, it’s one thing to buy a card when you’re not exactly a Hallmark person, or be a salad fanatic that’s suddenly gift wrapping chocolates. But if you go overboard in an attempt to make someone else happy, you’ll probably only make both of you miserable in the end. Example: the guy who sent me 2 dozen gorgeous roses and a box of super-fancy-artsy chocolates…and then bitched on Facebook about how fake, forced and pointless Valentine’s Day is. Yep. Plastered on the internet: “I didn’t mean any of that.” Nice. I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Wait, that’s my martini. Nevermind.

3. Don’t be “The V-Day Break-Up-Story Heard Round The World”. <– I dated him.
The 7 days preceding and 7 days post V-Day are the No-Break Up Zone. A break up here will land you in the Asshole Hall of Fame…assuming you weren’t already there. Seven days before V-Day and the person you’re about to dump is already making plans to surprise you. They’ve picked out your card, gift, bought the gettin-some draws… The seven days after are still full of happy afterglow. You don’t wanna dump someone while that dozen roses and lead crystal vase are still within lob-them-at-your-head reach, do you? I didn’t think so. (Sidenote: I hope you handled that jumpoff-with-aspirations scenario. After Monday the 7th, you’re roped in!)

2. Don’t stress so much that it becomes a chore for you both. <–Yep. Another one I dated.
Asking “what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day” is fine. Asking 30 times and calling my sister mid-freakout is not. All I wanted was his company. All he gave me was a headache and brought me >that< much closer to the insane asylum. I might wind up there one day (in fabulous shoes of course), but “a celebration of our love” should not be the reason.

1. Don’t be so smart that you do something stupid.
This is actually good advice in general, but here especially. DISCLAIMER: I do not advocate cheating at ALL! Like it or not though, some of you lotharios are going to be sending a few of the same arrangements this year…with the same note…from the same florist… You can’t be in two places at one time, but your flowers will. Valentine’s Day is a day when a cheater’s will and underhandedness are surely put to the crafty test. While enjoying that fleeting “I’m the MAN!” joke with the fool taking your order, make sure those notes go in the right envelopes. Jackass. <– I dated him too.

Did you chuckle at this list? Pick up a tip perhaps? Then my dating follies have not been in vain. However, now that I’ve scolded you, know that I’m not a complete cynic. Thursday’s column is devoted to the Valentine DO’s…Valen-DOs, if you will!

SECRET: I’m a realist, but a hopeless romantic at heart. SHHH! You won’t tell, right? I mean, it’s not like I plastered it on the internet or anything. ::winks: