When it comes to taking the advice of a sex columnist, a little common sense goes a long way. And whether you’ve been with your partner for years and are looking to spice things up or just days and need a little refresher on technique, it’s easy to separate the wheat from the chaff when you’re looking to impress in the bedroom. So without further ado, we present the worst sex tips ever. First, let’s start with foreplay, during which Cosmopolitan magazine recommends having a horror movie play in the background. Why? So that if a roommate happens to hear screaming, he or she will think it’s the movie…and not you being murdered? Mmkay. Moving on, if your nookie is preceded by a meal, be sure to cook it in the nude or at least topless. Because nothing sets the mood like being burned on your private parts…or something. Worried about your physique? Men’s Health advises lovers to blindfold one another to avoid having to see your paramour’s yucky body. As for lovemaking locales, there’s plenty of lousy advice out there.

Sex on the beach – sounds romantic, no? No. Think about the critters that inhabit that sandy beach, not to mention how uncomfortable that sand can get when it gets stuck in crevices that normally don’t see the light of day. In fact, anywhere public poses the risk of getting caught in the act by other people – including law enforcement. Getting ticketed can kill the mood quickly, as can bug spray, which the illustrious Men’s Health advises you to use liberally – except on your naughty parts. Ew. Finally, when it comes to “handling” the job, there’s some super-crazy advice out there that could kill his libido quickly. From touching him “like you’re opening a jar” to juggling his jewels “like dice in a cup,” the magazines don’t exactly advise a gentle approach to turning him on. If the two of you want to break out of a bedroom rut or if you’re a newbie to romance, there are much better ways to get information about getting romantic.