Date Debate: Communication (Pt.1)

Too often I hear people talk about how to achieve orgasms, and not that they are wrong, they just aren’t always right. I’ve often heard people tell me what’s impossible because it’s not what they know or have experienced. I’m not here to tell anyone anything about him or herself negative or positive I just want to point out some unventured avenues. Make the impossible look more plausible and in doing so point towards some pathways you may or may not have gone down by giving you a new way of seeing them. I’ve myself wanted to look at many aspects of my own relations, the need to communicate, and the difference between when I say cuddle and what my partner hears, which is most often foreplay. Ones ability to talk dirty, sext and not feel a damn fool, and what our porn habits say or don’t say about us. All of that wrapped up in a package that hopefully enables us to have better relationships and meaningful sexual relations from how we select our partners, to what we choose to do in the long run and for me the first step in this and most people should be the Communication.

In every relationship there is a period where you start off “talking”, getting to know one another to a point where you decide what your relationship will encompass and how you will go about doing just that. But as I have so often realized talking is just that, there is no communicating, both parties talk but do we really listen, do we compromise, shift, are we open and empathetic, do we learn the person we want to be with, even if its for a moment or a life time? Far too often we don’t.

We often approach new situations with our own agenda and thoughts of what we want without deliberately communicating plainly and simple for our partner to understand and relate their own wants, needs and desires to, such as,
“I just want a fuck, no strings attached, no come backs.”
“I’m looking for a relationship, I’d like to have something more, stable, secure.”
“I’m open to seeing what happens, but know it may not come of anything.”
Wouldn’t those kinds of conversations be nice? I’ll be the first to admit I struggle with communication I say the wrong things, in the wrong way, often at the wrong time. I attempt to open up by sharing my struggles with a new partner but I guess men don’t like hearing about a woman who talks too much struggling with communication issues (Laughing But Serious), I hope we’re better able to find ways of communicating and getting to know one another, but this has yet to aid my process. I hope to get someone willing to really work the process with me, but if it seems to be too much of a task for a new partner, they often walk away putting a damper on the communication process, by not communicating and making the process that much harder for the next potential who comes along.

On a personal level I feel if I’m unable to communicate beyond what’s on the surface, I will never get my needs meet, this isn’t limited to sexual relationships but all of my relations, friendships, family, co-workers, but its most important in a sexual relationship. How do we express our sexual needs when we can’t express feelings, desires, wants and goals? If you ever feel shut down out of bed you will surely feel shut down in bed. Its worse to be naked and embarrassed then clothed and empowered. Or at least I feel I mean how often have you been butt naked ready for the moment just to hear a loud ass echoing, “No, not un.” Ouch! (probably wasn’t that loud at all but in my head I think No’s are worse naked).

Communication should enable you as a couple to find your common denominators, what makes you equally attracted to one another. Allows you as an individual to feel as if you’re a part of the relationship. It allows both partners to have an equal and valued say. It builds trust and the ability to share every thought and idea on our minds. It’s the ability to have your partner hear you and reflect your needs appropriately. If ever you have been told you talk to much or ask to many questions your partner has already said in many ways than one, they are not willing to hear you or respect your way of communicating. If your conversations are meet with silence or happen solely through text or are one sided, meaning you do most of the connecting. Your partner has given you none verbal cues to how they feel about you.

Yes, silence has its place in non-verbal communication and can be incorporated just as well as asking too many questions can be compromised into how a couple decides to communicate, but if ever the compromise or need is not acknowledge in conversation know when it comes to physical contact you will be just as put off. Compromise cannot be a one sided design. It’s a mutual agreement to do and be the best of who you are while integrating into the life of another person.

Though it may seem this is not necessary when having a mere sexual relationship or a same sex friendship, how often have you allowed another person to use you up without meeting your own needs and desires. If a conversation is too much for your partner, or sex seems to be warranted but phone calls are far and few or one sided, move on. Your lesson to be learned is, you deserve better, and its ok to let go and move on and even that takes communication and practice.

Communication enables one to learn the nuances of the person they are allowing in their life, listen to not only what they say but their actions as well. A man who wants to be with you doesn’t just say it he acts the part. A woman with good intentions for you will never allow you to make bad moves. What we are most often hurt by aren’t the other persons words or intentions but by our own ideas and expectations we put on them and not the reality of the situation. How often has a man told you he didn’t want to be married yet once you left him he married the next one. The fact alone that your goals and his ideas didn’t intersect was enough for you to rethink any connection with this person and vise versa. The reality is he didn’t want to marry you and couldn’t communicate directly his intentions.

The trust we build through communication happens differently for each of us thus having varied affects on how we build our relationships. Personally, I have a wall up, a small wall, but a wall none the less, (but like Berlin it will come down) and for some one to penetrate that wall they have to allow me to get to know them. For me it takes a lot of communication, sometimes more then what most men are willing to give for the type of relations they are trying to have. We must acknowledge the importance and need for trust building to carry on any kind of relationship; sexual relationships, friendships, working relationship, etc.

I’d like to be confident in knowing that if I fall you’ll catch me, as a sex partner I need to know if I throw out a safety word you’ll respect it and as a lover I must know your trust worthy enough to hold or have my heart. I had “friend” leave me stuck in foreign countries with no money, because they hadn’t the time or concern to do as they promised. When I fell my ‘friend’ was not there to catch me and seemed to not care. The same goes for a sexual relationship, if you want to try new things you want someone you can trust someone willing to respond to you and your needs and wants.

Trust for me enables us to be fearless and try new things, let our guard down, be uninhibited, It allows us to try new things because we know the person on the other end of the penetration, bondage, love is honest and trust worthy. It’s the ability to see through their words and actions and find our own confidence in them, trust is our own intuition to judge and feel comfortable with that person or situation. As a woman the balance for me is having someone who will respect my needs by meeting my wants, I have to do a few things; I have to know what I want, communicate them, by asking, speaking them up and letting them be known. I have to be direct and clear about what they are, trusting the other person will hear, respect and accept them and have them listen in the same manner as I want to be heard my partner. Not just pacify me with a few ‘un huhs’ to move on to the next stage.

Communication is the simplest aspect of a relationship yet the hardest part, no one likes to be vulnerable, society has deemed the showing and sharing of feelings and emotions to be a weakness an incomprehensible down fall for both men and women. I’d hate to share with a male friend I love him and have him stop talking to be because he finds there is only one type of love to be shared. Or a man opens up just to have his feelings undermined by his compassion and sensitivity simple because that’s not manly. If we challenge social norms and ourselves by being opening up to the emotional embrace or departure of another we allow ourselves to better our relations, personal and physical. By building relations with even those we want less from, will prepare us to build relations with those whom we want more from, teaching us how to communicate and talk with one another outside of the bedroom.