Date Debate: Dirty Talk (Pt.2)

The Second Part of "The 5" goes into the talk...THAT talk.

The next step in communication is more about what we say, far to often ladies in an effort to get ones attention we speak on the wrong things. We talk about sex when we want to talk about relationships, we talk about hanging out when we want to date and we talk about marriage when we aren’t even ready for that step and not in a position to be talking marriage or ready to be in a long term relationship. But this piece isn’t about that. It’s about our ability to talk sex or dirty talk.

I have one rule if you can’t say it you shouldn’t be doing it. You can’t say sex (f@#k), penis (d***), vulva (p****) you shouldn’t be partaking. I feel dealing with sexuality if you can’t say the words needed to discuss difficult situations than you’re not mature enough to be putting yourself in difficult positions, just yet (but we know that’s not a rule anyone will follow). There is a level of comfort you not only need with your own body, but your partners body, as well as, the communication needed to discuss, the body, sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), condom usage and wants, desires and needs with another person. I’ve asked a potential partner when the last time they had been tested was and the response was, ‘we don’t have to worry about that right now’. Well when is a good time to worry about the deadly shit floating around and ones lack of responsibility and loose sexual practices? I only care when I become involved.

I find solace in talks with my female friends through our conversations I find either women don’t or won’t open up to other women, wither it be societies limitations or personal detachment women don’t share as much as we probably should. There are commonalities, traits, qualities women share and go through such as; our desires and needs and physical changes, which we should be more open to share. I’ve learned so much about things I felt were unique only to me, to be commonplace amongst most women. In the same ease I have found talking to men comforting because you learn their likes and dislikes, you also learn about aspects of yourself. I can pick the hell out of my own body and things I think need nipping and tucking and tightening just to find they are a favorite of men who desire me.

The same discomfort we have in the educational conversations on sex we have when it comes to talking dirty. Some people are just not comfortable with sex talk in general. They cringe at the mention of penis, wince at the discussion of sex and marvel at my ability to talk with ease among perfect strangers. The most difficult time I’ve so far has been with sexting or for me sharing my art with a gentlemen I was feeling, my text were rewarded with comments like, ‘you’re a freak’ and ‘you’re so nasty’. Two statements amongst many I detest simple because what does that mean, is it a positive or negative, is that what one would be looking for or running from and in comparison to the comments I was receiving it was the least flattering and most off setting, considering our relationship.

The ability to sext and share your wants, sexual desire can allow you and your partner to know what you want and expect prior to any bedroom activities begin, through IM (if face to face is still too complicated) you can play my new favorite game Yes, No or Maybe. You each approach the conversation with 5 or 6 things you have heard, seen (well talk about porn later) or would like to try and then discuss if yes you would do them, no you wouldn’t do them or maybe you’d try it. Through this discussion you could develop further conversation it could be very intellectual in tone or sexual in gratification.

The fact of the matter is sex happens long before you get to the bedroom, through text (sexting), suggestive conversations, dirty talk and phone sex; you prepare your senses, your mind begins to wonder and you imagine lustful scenarios of you and your partner. As you two grow and develop together so will your avenues of communication, visual is better than audio and face to face is better than phone. Above all you have to find a comfort level within yourself because I believe if you can’t say it you really can’t fully open yourself to participating in the activities. Set aside shame an shyness, to be open to enjoying yourself first and for most.